When the Community You've Joined Changes . . .
Submitted by Finding Your Co... on Sun, 09/28/2008 - 08:25
Print this pageDiana Leafe Christian
What happens when a cohousing community changes in values, lifestyle, and “community culture” over time? And how might this affect you as an a new incoming member?
I have a good friend who lives with her young son in a cohousing community she helped to start. When she and the other founders started the community, food in common house meals was organic, with both omnivore and vegetarian options. The cooks bought organic vegetables and fruit; whole grain bread, cereals, and other grains; and organically raised eggs, chicken, fish, and meat. They used honey and other healthy sweeteners; never white sugar.
The original group also had a rudimentary knowledge of effective group process skills, and knew how to schedule and conduct mediations between members when necessary.
But over the years as people left and sold their units, new neighbors with different values and practices moved into the community. This wasn’t planned or anticipated; it just happened. As the new people bought in, the community culture began to change.
Most of the new people saw no point in buying the more expensive organic food, or offering “rabbit food” vegetarian options. The new people’s influence gradually transformed common house meals, till now they’re heavy on commercially raised beef from Safeway, commercially grown vegetables and grains, and rich desserts with white sugar. Common meals have gone from organic meals for omnivores and vegetarians alike, to “regular American food” for omnivores alone.
My friend and her son can’t eat with the community anymore, because they feel ill afterwards. She assumes it’s from consuming so much fat, sugar in a meal (and perhaps from environmental toxins in commercially grown and raised food).
The food is not all that’s changed. Recently my friend had a dispute with a neighbor who was a new member. Trying to talk with him about the issue didn’t seem to help, so she requested mediation, with another long-time community member as mediator.
During the mediation it became clear to my friend and the mediator that the new neighbor had no idea how to communicate in an open, honest, self-revealing way, as founders and longer-term residents had learned to do. He maintained the position that my friend was essentially an unreasonable person who shouldn’t want something different than he did, and he was blameless as a party to the dispute. Not only did the mediation fail, but then the new neighbor convinced other new residents that my friend was “strange” because she wanted this “weird” mediation. The founders and other long-term residents know this is nonsense, of course, but the new ones believed it. No touchy-feely crap for them!
My friend still has a better life in her cohousing community than she would if she lived in mainstream housing. She’s surrounded by neighbors who look out for each other and her son. Her home is more secure than it would be elsewhere, and she’s still safer walking to her car than she would be if she lived somewhere else. Her son still loves the neighborhood and he still has plenty of children to play with.
A community’s culture changing like this is no one’s fault, but it is significant. So I hope that you would have other reasons for joining your new community besides that it’s “your kind of people” and “your kind of culture.” I would hope you also love the location and the community’s beauty, comfort, and amenities. Because even if its culture does change, in your new cohousing community you’ll still have the opportunity to live in a much more open, trusting, and secure way with neighbors than most people in the US.
—Diana Leafe Christian
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change is constant - but you can engage around it
In my experience, successful communities (cohousing and other sorts) don't just let change happen... but nor do they remain unchanging from their initial setup. They engage the process explicitly, revisiting decisions and letting new members consciously have a voice and being open to what they bring, rather than defensive about what has come before.
It helps to be able to have documentation for why certain decisions were made.. understanding the underlying principles can make it easier for people to move on. Without written documentation of the community process and decisions, groups can easily fall back on underlying legal documents or other support-structure elements that don't reflect the positive community intent.
Give reasons for major decisions NOW, to help newcomers LATER
I love Raines' suggestion about making sure the founding folks write up why they made a major decision. This way new people coming later will also know what options the founders and early members considered, why they discarded some options, and why they chose the option they did.
It also really helps if membership committees provide thorough orientations for prospective new members -- people wanting to buy a departing member's unit -- so the explanations for why the original group made their decisions is described and explained in person too.
Imagine how different my friend's cohousing community would be now, if new people buying in had read about and had gotten in-person orientations about why the group used organic food and offered omnivore and vegetarian options for common meals, and what mediations are and why they're needed in cohousing. New people would be more "community trained," a wider number of people could enjoy the common meals, my friend and her son wouldn't feel ill after meals (and they'd return to the common meals), and mediations wouldn't be considered "weird."
If you're considering joining an up-and-running cohousing community by buying the unit of a departing member, please ask the membership committee to tell you about these matters. Does the community have written explanations of their major past decisions? Do they offer orientations to the community's culture? If so, that's a real good sign.
—Diana Leafe Christian
Great suggestion! Without it the potential for conflict grows.
I too love Raines suggestion to put major decisions and past agreements in writing. It only makes sense. When this is not the norm the possiblitiy for conflict increases. If you'd like to learn more about doing conflict well in a cohousing community you might want to check out this workshop.
Do Conflict Well: A workshop for people in Cohousing who would like to change how they do conflict (externally) and how they feel when they’re in conflict (internally).
What specifically is this workshop about?
This workshop is about offering tools, models, and strategies that will increase participant’s understanding of different types of conflicts, general conflict dynamics, and create opportunities for participants to individualize the information in ways they see best. Models and theories of conflict will be presented that will provide a structure to apply personal conflicts.
Where will the workshop be held?
The workshop will be held in the Nyland common house in Lafayette, Colorado.
When is it?
October 24-26, 2008
Friday, October 24 5:00pm - 6:30pm potluck; 6:30 - 8:30pm
Saturday, October 25 9:00am - 5:00pm
Sunday, October 26 9:00am - 2:00pm
Who’s participating in this Do Conflict Well workshop?
The core group of participants will be from a Cohousing facilitation study group that includes people from several different Cohousing communities in Colorado and the Midwest. Also, some folks from Nyland and other Cohousing communities will be present. Although this workshop is offered only to people in Cohousing communities the information learned can be applied to any conflict in your life.
Want to see more details? Cut and paste the link below.
www.clrcounseling.com/doconflictwell
Gain information about conflicts that you can use in all parts of your life.
Bring personal conflict situations to apply to the models and theories.
Thanks,
Jeff
Dreaming of Co-housing one day
Hope one day to be in a co-housing community, eco-village. I live in NYC now and in some ways, this already is co-housing since we have so many people passionate about community, diversity, ecology and culture here. We even have more green space per pers