"But our Agreements Might Constrain My Freedom!"

I just got an email from a friend I met when I did a consultation-workshop for her forming cohousing community awhile back. She wrote that the core group is struggling right now.

“After your workshop,” she wrote, “people were enthusiastic about creating structures, but we’ve gotten bogged down arguing about what structures we want. Some people don’t want any constraints on them, and we don’t have a voting back-up in place.”

She added that they’ve got a Vision/Values/Mission/Purpose workshop scheduled in a couple of weeks. “Maybe that will move us forward,” she wrote. “Wish us luck!”

In my experience, cohousers who “don’t want constraints” have an unrealistic expectation about what it’s like to live in community. “Constraints” are simply agreements, and mutually agreed-upon community agreements and policies — whether about Common House etiquette, pets, or quiet hours — help prevent conflict, as any experienced cohouser can tell you.

I sincerely hope those who feel this way in my friend’s core group can better learn how community works, perhaps through being “patiently educated” by other core group members, or more likely, by the group getting additional training with a community-based process consultant in their area.

I’d like the folks in this group who don’t understand about agreements in community to realize they can't hold up community process with their own personal views about community without reducing the sense of trust and connection in the group, and ultimately eroding the very “sense of community” they are most likely hoping to experience!

—Diana Leafe Christian