In Community, Are We 'Glue' or 'Shrapnel'?

The following was written by a longtime member of Twin Oaks Community in Virgina, Keenan Dakota. He wrote an email to the community in response to a community member named Burl (not his real name), whom Twin Oaks expelled because of his negative behavior. Keenan gave me permission to share it on this website.

Keenan has written for Communities magazine over the years, and I've long considered him a wise observer of human nature and community life. While Twin Oaks is not cohousing, I thought browsers to this website might benefit from adding Keenan's insights to what we're all learning about creating social and cultural culture in community.   —Diana Leafe Christian

Are We Glue or Shrapnel?

Burl's problematic behavior didn't exist in isolation. His departure doesn't automatically make our community healthier — or safer. My take on the culture of Twin Oaks, or any conscious group of people who are trying to live or work together, is that different people bring different strengths to the group. A group doesn't function well just because it has well-thought-out rules or systems. We don't, as individuals, behave well because of our policies, but because of how we interact together in a moment-to-moment way.

The metaphor I use is "glue." Twin Oaks needs enough members who are "glue" to hold the community together. What defines a gluey person? People who do their share of work and who take on responsibility, of course, but also people who help create a positive and supportive social environment, who help friends in trouble, and who take care of people in distress.

Burl worked hard, but he wasn't glue; he was "shrapnel." He complained consistently and bitterly about people's incompetence. On those rare instances when he praised someone it was by comparison to all those other idiots. The sort of complaining that he did was more than demoralizing, it was damaging. The community can't hold together if there are too many people who are like shrapnel — that wherever they go, they are running down other people and complaining about the community. The damage done by someone who is shrapnel far exceeds the healing by someone who is glue. The community needs a high ratio of glue to shrapnel.

Burl got to the point in his final months where he was saying things like, "That's Twin Oaks for you!" when something didn't meet his standards. And I thought to myself that Burl should go soon. I mentioned to him a few times over the years how annoying and unhelpful it was that he complained so much of the time. But a few comments here and there wasn't nearly enough to change Burl's behavior. For Burl's behavior to have changed would have taken many people giving the same sort of input to him over and over again. I believe that Burl could have changed his behavior if the culture of our community were stronger — or he would have left sooner.

Burl is going to live in the wilderness in Canada where the only human fallibility will be his own. I wish him luck and I'm glad he's gone. I have seen this pattern before. Once someone comes to assume that common human fallibility is specifically a Twin Oaks failing, then it's time to move on. The benefit of PAL's (Personal Affairs Leave) has been to give members a chance to re-discover that human fallibility doesn't end at Twin Oaks' border, but, rather, is a global phenomenon and that on average Twin Oakers are ahead of the game. Often, embittered members return from a PAL with a renewed appreciation of the many good things about Twin Oaks and a less acid tongue.

Now, of course, no one falls neatly in one category or another, all of us go in and out of being more like glue or more like shrapnel. My goal in writing this paper is to encourage each of us to take on personal responsibility for helping sustain a healthy, supportive and healing culture. It isn't up to the process team, the mental health team, or the planners to make or change the behavior of individuals or the culture of the community. We are all responsible. As we go through our day each of us is affecting our fellow communards with our words and actions. Are you helping to build a stronger, healthier community? Or are you complaining and running other people down?

Are you glue? Or are you shrapnel?

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Excerpt from Keenan's later addition to his email:

I believe heaven is a place where you are surrounded by people who know you intimately, overlook your failings, support your efforts and highlight your strengths. Hell is a place where people know you intimately, highlight your failings, hinder your efforts, and overlook your strengths. Each of us helps make Twin Oaks a heaven or hell for the rest of us.

—Keenan Dakota