Conflict Resolution
Cohousing Topics
Below are all of the blog entries, articles, and descriptions of past and future events on our website related to Conflict Resolution. Can't find something? Let us know
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My First Thought is Probably Not My Best
In principle, my initial reaction, my first thought, is very rarely my best. Often my first thought is absurd and shows me how NOT to react. Like first brush strokes on a canvas, first thoughts provide a starting place for more refined thoughts, for subsequent brush strokes. First thoughts, like initial brush strokes, are rarely worth sharing. In fact, sharing first thoughts can be deeply counter-productive to good group decisions.
Practical Tip: Just because you think something doesn't mean you have to say it, or act on it. When you share first thoughts you run a substantial risk of offending others, saying things you will regret, and requiring the group to spend time on issues which turn out to be a waste of time. Best to sit with your thoughts until a clear picture emerges of what you want to say.
No Complaining Without Contribution
In principle: If I have not tried to make something better or if I am not willing to help make it better, I have no business complaining about it. Rather than stand outside the circle and complain about the decisions made by others, I do well to appreciate those who are willing to do the hard work of group decision making. In fact, complaining without contribution actually hurts good group decisions because it demoralizes current decision-makers and discourages potential new ones.
Outside Issues
In principle, disagreements are generally because of: misunderstandings, differing values, or outside issues. Misunderstandings and differing values can generally be resolved within the group. When a disagreement is caused by an outside issue that has nothing to do with the issue at hand, then it must either be dealt with outside the group or someone might end up losing, and that might be okay.
An “outside issue” is a disagreement because of, for example, some incident between the parties that happened years ago and has never been dealt with, or because of a mental disorder such as an addiction which is warping someone's judgment or behavior. Or perhaps it is because of a misconception closely held since childhood, or an unreasonable fear. Outside issues are usually personal and are often completely unrelated to the group's immediate business.
Putting People in Boxes is Not Okay
In principle, when we look at people in certain ways, place labels on them, or “put them in boxes,” it limits what they have to offer. It is especially tempting to “contain” those who disagree with us. We are tempted to ignore our adversaries, work around them, wall them off, shut them down. These techniques might help us win as individuals, but they work against making good group decisions.
In principle, the best group decisions come when we genuinely consider ALL offerings, not just the ones we like. In fact, what makes group decisions better than individual decisions is the tension of initial disagreement.
Practical Tip: Muster the courage to really consider disagreement. Muster the discipline to work with people you do not like. Resist labels, walls, boxes and be open-minded to all offerings. When someone is placed in a box – silenced, contained, ignored – they add about as much value to the decision as, well...a cardboard box.
Resentments Have Roots in Expectations
In principle, when we have expectations of others that don't pan out it often leads to resentment, which often leads to brewing discontent or bubbling-over conflict. I have heard, “expectations are planned resentments.” The surest way to avoid resentment is to not have expectations. When I fall into a victim role it is helpful to remember that rarely am I a victim of others and often I am a victim of my own expectations.
Practical Tip: As a participant in good group decisions, try hard not to develop false expectations. Expect from people ONLY that to which they have specifically agreed, and even then keep in mind that most people are not capable of doing all that they agree to. Focus on the good things that your group and the people in it have done, and what they could do, rather than what they should do according to your expectations.
Shared Expectations Minimize Conflicts
In principle, most conflicts are because of mismatched expectations. Where the expectations are really different the conflict can be really big. No one likes disappointment: when you think something is going to be one way, and then it changes. The best prevention is a shared expectation of how things are going to be, who is going to do what, and how things are going to work.
Practical Tip: Among two or more people with a shared task, figure out your shared expectations and write them down (or at least say them) so you can test your shared understanding. Contracts are shared expectations written down, so are ground rules, guidelines, and by laws. The process of writing these documents forces us to “out” our expectations and understand each other. If you do not take time to discuss expectations with those on who you plan to depend, best not to have any.
"But our Agreements Might Constrain My Freedom!"
Submitted by Diana Leafe Chr... on Fri, 01/09/2009 - 17:42Diana Leafe Christian
I just got an email from a friend I met when I did a consultation-workshop for her forming cohousing community awhile back. She wrote that the core group is struggling right now.
“After your workshop,” she wrote, “people were enthusiastic about creating structures, but we’ve gotten bogged down arguing about what structures we want. Some people don’t want any constraints on them, and we don’t have a voting back-up in place.”
She added that they’ve got a Vision/Values/Mission/Purpose workshop scheduled in a couple of weeks. “Maybe that will move us forward,” she wrote. “Wish us luck!”
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Process Skills: Dealing With Dysfunctional Group Members
Joanie Connors, Ph.D.
People who work in group settings often encounter difficult personalities who paralyze and frustrate group discussions. The most common dysfunctional roles found include the Monopolizer, the Just Plain Difficult Person, the Drama Queen or King, the Narcissistic-Opinionater, the Critic, the Outsider, the Problem Avoider, the Worrier, the Help Rejecting Complainer and the Uninvolved One. This session will describe these dysfunctional member roles and strategies for dealing with them. Participants will learn how to: shift the dynamics, make the covert overt, add structure and tailor responses to specific personality types.
Good in Everyone
In principle, the chances of making good group decisions are greatly increased if all the participants believe there is good in everyone. We are more likely to do well if we look for the best in each other. For some, believing that there is good in every person is a moral conviction. For others, seeking and bringing out the best in people is just plain practical.
Practical Tip: Act as if there is good in everyone, even when it is not apparent. Treat every person along your path as if they are special. If you believe in God, act as if there is that of God in every person.
Admit Mistakes
In principle, we know we are prone to make mistakes; it is part of being human. And we know that mistakes are our best teachers. Learning from small mistakes prevents big mistakes later. Yet we are prone to cover up our mistakes especially in our groups and make a mess of things.
Good group decisions require humility among group members. I serve my group when I say, “I don't have all the answers and I don't do everything right;” and when I say, “It's okay for others to not be perfect.”
Accepting that we are not perfect frees us to move on from mistakes without burden. Admitting mistakes helps us learn from them and let go of them.
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