When you live in a senior cohousing community, sooner or later the conversation gets around to one of most people’s least favorite topics ¾ death and dying. It’s unavoidable among older people.

Your community may already have experienced the death of one or more members. Quimper Village in Washington had its first death within its first year of operation. PDX Commons, on the other hand, went more than seven years before someone in the community died (although two original members had died after they moved out).

How do cohousing communities anticipate, plan for, provide support for and process the death of a member? To find out, we looked at four communities that have experienced or prepared for this life passage.

Silver Sage Village

Silver Sage Village in Colorado supported a terminally ill member’s and her husband’s wish to have natural after-death care on site. This involved holding a three-day vigil in the community’s meditation room and a funeral in the common house. The community learned they could take care of the member’s body after seeing a couple of documentaries about natural death care and how it is done (basically, dry ice is used in place of embalming). Community members could participate as much (or little) as they wanted. Taking this time allowed everyone to process the member’s passing in a meaningful way.

Shepherd Village

Last year, Shepherd Village in West Virginia hosted a presentation and conversation led by Denise DeZolt, an end-of-life doula (someone who helps those experiencing the transition to an approaching death). According to an article in the Shepherd Village Voice, Denise focused on the importance of talking with our loved ones about what it means for us to have “a good death.” This helps our families and friends honor our last wishes ¾  which could include anything from a green burial to a final big party.

“As we choose to allow death to hold a place of honor in our lives, we also choose to imagine a good death as a possibility for ourselves and others,” Denise said. She encourages communities to think about “how we can be a compassionate, caring community at the end of life.” To Denise, compassion means “being fully present, showing up. Holding that sacred space.” 

PDX Commons

In December, PDX Commons in Portland OR lost a beloved member to a chronic disease. This was the community’s first death. To honor the member, Commoners held a gathering on the day she died; most of the community was able to take part in sharing memories of her. In the living room, they set up a memorial table where members could leave cards, letters and items that reminded them of the departed. The following weekend the community held another gathering to complete the process. Mementoes from the table were placed in a box to give to the family. Some Commoners also attended a memorial service at a local church. All of these activities helped the community process the passing of a cherished member.

Quimper Village

Open since 2017, Quimper Village in Washington has had more than its share of deaths. So far, they’ve all been men. The first occurred very early on; another two passed away about two years after move-in. A fourth died at home on a day and time that he and his wife chose, aided by End-of-Life Washington. The organization provides the medication and delivers it to the person, to be taken when they are ready. Washington is one of the few states that allow “death with dignity.”

More recently, two more Quimper Village members have passed away. Some of the deceased had memorial services at the community. Others had them in off-site locations. In one case, the service was held at the Quimper Unitarian Universalist Church (after which the community was named). The member who chose death with dignity did not want a formal service, but community members lined the sidewalk when the funeral home took his body away.

Resources

Of the many sources of information and inspiration regarding death and dying, here are some, many of which are mentioned in an excellent article about natural after-death care by Rahima Dancy of Silver Sage Village:

• https://www.thenaturalfuneral.com/
• https://intheparlordoc.com/ (short video)
• “The Art of Natural Death Care”- longer video
• We all know how this ends: Lessons about life and living from working with death and dying – book by Anna Lyons and Louise Winter; learn more here. 
• https://www.homefuneralalliance.org/
• “Community Held Death and Dying” – podcast on FIC website
• https://compassionandchoices.org/eolc/finish-strong-tools/ – website that offers tools for end-of-life planning as well as case studies.
• https://www.theheartway.org/who-we-are – website about end-of-life doulas

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Upcoming events

March 10 — The Commons, a free monthly gathering for the cohousing curious and experts, too; 10 a.m. MST; repeats on the 10^th of each month; 

March 20 — Seniors in Cohousing Q&A, an informal facilitated conversation for those who are interested in senior cohousing and/or senior living in intergenerational cohousing; 10 a.m. MST; repeats on the 20^th of each month; register here. Once registered, you’ll receive an email before the meeting with a link to join the call on Zoom.

CohoUS offers many live and on-demand courses on a wide range of topic related to cohousing in general. Peruse them here.

The Foundation for Intentional Community (FIC) also offers a wide range of on-demand and rerun online courses. Check them out here

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