Seven weeks into overseas travel funded by my Churchill Fellowship, I’m currently journeying through California and Oregon to explore how communal-oriented housing initiatives can build social cohesion and foster belonging across diverse groups of people, with a special interest in intergenerational communities. What does it take for these communities to thrive in practice, and navigate challenges that inevitably arise when people share decisions, space and resources?

Through my visits to a broad range of models – such as housing cooperatives, cohousing, ecovillages, tiny home villages and permanent supported housing – one lesson emerges loud and clear: conflict is a necessary component of a thriving community.

Diversity sits within the very essence of community; each one is home to a range of values, communication styles, capabilities and histories, which will naturally breed conflicting viewpoints and preferences. I’ve come to believe that conflict is an essential part of living together, and how it is handled can make or break a community.

While our wider society often shies away from conflict, seeing it as a problem to be minimised or avoided, communities benefit from embracing it as a (sometimes messy) pathway to growth and deeper connection. In our society, many people are comfortable reflecting on how our backgrounds have shaped expression of emotion in other spheres, for example the popularised ‘love languages’ theory, but our conflict-averse culture is less encouraging of self-analysis when it comes to managing disagreement, tension and frustration. However, just as we express love in varied ways, we all have learned responses when it comes to dealing with conflict, such as direct confrontation, avoidance, passive aggression or ‘stonewalling’.

Understanding each one will be home to a range of preferences and skillsets, communities can benefit from developing a shared conflict language and striving to resolve disagreements head on. Many of the communities I have visited have built comprehensive conflict policies and strategies, for example:

• A three step process such as 1. Direct one-to-one conversation, 2. Mediation from a chosen person within the community, 3. Mediation from an external facilitator funded by the community
• An agreed structure of how issues are initially verbalised, for instance 1. Observation, 2. Feeling, 3. Need, 4. Request
• Assigning proactive roles in the community, for example a ‘Vibes Watcher’ in meetings or a trained ‘Conflict Resolution Committee’.
• One community, Canticle Farm even has a Conflict Resolution Room. It is a windowed space, purposefully visible so that people can see fellow residents’ tough but necessary work of working through disagreement in a healthy way.

There is no right or wrong – different processes and policies will work for different communities. But one of my biggest takeaways is how powerful it can be to build in regular space for conflict – instead of waiting until it inevitably becomes necessary. One resident described disagreements within the community as ‘knots’ – like with wool, if you act fast, untangling is easy. If you wait around, the ‘knots’ can grow and even merge together.

Some communities have a regular ‘clearing’ item on their meeting agenda, encouraging each other to share grievances, frustrations, or concerns openly. ‘Clearings’ not only allow residents to address tensions early to avoid accumulation, but they also help a group develop a shared ‘conflict language’ and build a culture where conflict isn’t feared, but seen as part of the community’s regular rhythm.

Ultimately, conflict is not inherently bad, but when unresolved or ignored it can damage relationships and the community fabric. By creating structures for conflict to be aired, processed, and addressed, communities strengthen their bonds and create a culture which celebrates diversity of opinion. Instead of allowing conflict to fester, and the knots to wind tighter, proactive communities can build resilience through establishing healthy regular processes. Embracing conflict means embracing the messiness of real human connection, so in these communities, it’s a key ingredient in building the all important sense of belonging.

Written with gratitude to all the communities who have welcomed me into their home on this journey thus far.

To find out more about my research, contribute or discuss any collaboration opportunities, email me at savfishel1@gmail.com